Hand Dryers: The Unknown Danger in the Bathroom

All humans have several things in common. We all have human DNA, live on Earth (besides one or two astronauts), and are not monkeys. Also, we all go to the bathroom. Going to the bathroom is important because it is how we dispose of waste. In fact, if you did not go to the bathroom you would probably die.

One negative of going to the bathroom: Germs. Germs are everywhere and they have been the cause of lots of problems over the years, like the Black Death. Past generations did not know about germs though, so they cannot be blamed.

Pictured: Spreader of germs!

Now that we do know about germs (who are invisible to the naked eye), to combat them we have come up with things like “soap” and “showers”. After we go to the bathroom we (sometimes) wash our hands with soap and then dry them. Bathrooms used to be stocked with paper towels, but now they are being replaced by hand dryers. Hand dryers are more cost efficient and environmentally friendly, but there is one problem with hand dryers… they actually INCREASE THE NUMBER OF BACTERIA ON YOUR HANDS!

So how do they do it? The warm atmosphere inside the hand dryer provides the perfect environment for bacteria. When air then blows out of the dryer, bacteria (both from your hands and from inside the dryer itself) is being spread all throughout the room.

A study from the University of Westminster (that’s in London), found that washing and then drying hands with a warm hand dryer increased bacteria by an average of 194% on fingers and 254% on palms. In contrast, drying hands with a paper towel decreased bacteria by about 75%. Other studies have found similar results.

As humans, we are being placed in a very difficult situation because of hand dryers. We feel obligated to wash our hands after going to the bathroom, but when we use hand dryers, we are actually adding to the power of germs. I am not writing this to scare you, but to alert you to a problem that is very, very real. What you want to do with this new information is up to you. You could choose to just not wash your hands (disgusting), use a hand dryer (disgusting), or carry around a roll of paper towels at all times (inconvenient). You could also write a letter to your local congressman/woman about the hand dryer problem. Regardless, be careful, dear reader, because I think it's safe to say that we are at Threat Level Red.

Dear New Jersey Transit

Dear NJ Transit Customer Service Team,

A commuter waits for his train to arrive early in the morning—he watches the minutes pass by on his cell phone. Looks like he won’t get that big promotion after all—not after being late for today’s important meeting.

Inside Penn Station: a college student. She’s supposed to head home for her grandmother’s 100^th birthday party. Instead, she takes a bite of her second Auntie Anne’s pretzel. Sorry, grandma, I hope you make it to 101.

And on a train: a baby. The moving of the train rocks this particular baby to sleep. But the train isn’t moving so the baby cries. NJ Transit makes babies cry.

Ben Franklin once said that there are only two things certain in life: death and taxes. But Ben Franklin lived in Pennsylvania. If he had lived in New Jersey, he would’ve said, there are only three things certain in life: death, taxes, and that New Jersey Transit is a stinky turd.

We are not halfway through August, and already this month, travelers have been subjected to constant cancellations, massive delays, and trips on the PATH to Newark inside packed train cars with crowding similar to what our ancestors faced when they traveled through Ellis Island. You would think that after 227 years of existence the Garden State would be able to come up with an efficient commuter rail system. But, instead of getting people where they need to be on time, NJ Transit has adopted the persona of the always late and panicked White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland.

Pictured: Me after another delay.
Note how stressed and drained I look.

Adding insult to injury, NJ Transit is far from cheap. I pay $361 for a monthly pass from Penn Station to Jersey Avenue. When I fork over my hard earned cash, I expect a certain level of service, and NJ Transit has not delivered. Planes offer full or partial refunds when they don’t meet certain standards; why should trains be different?

I formally request a full refund for my August monthly pass. I also suggest a major overhaul of NJ Transit and Penn Station. Because deep down, I still love you, NJ Transit. But I am tired of your cancellations and of playing second fiddle to those elitists over at Grand Central.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Commuter Jeffrey Sperber

Top 50 Workout Songs

I love my gym, but not only is the music they play there not loud enough (because they anticipate some people listening to their own music on headphones), they play some very un-energizing tunes. When “Total Eclipse of the Heart” came over the speakers a few months ago, I knew I would have to make my own workout playlists and buy some of those cool Jay-Z Aviator headphones. (Unfortunately, I do not have $150 to spend on headphones so I just had to settle for my old $10 ones.)

People listen to all kinds of music while they exercise. Rap. Rock. Jock Jams. The Space Jam soundtrack. Pretty much the only criteria is that the music helps you get pumped up. (And no, I don’t really listen to the Space Jam soundtrack… well, maybe just the Space Jam theme song!)

Without further ado, here’s a list of 50 songs I listen to when I work out. You can download them (legally, of course) and put them in a playlist called “Jeff’s Super Cool Workout Playlist”. Then you will become strong and fast like me.

50 Songs To Work Out To:

Top 10 Fictional Characters You Love That You Would Actually Hate

It may come as a shock to most of you, but many of the characters from your favorite TV shows or movies are fictional. (That means not real.)

Unless you live in a cave and are a feral person (and how would you have Internet access if that were the case), you know these popular characters. Some of them, almost all of them actually, were originally found in works of literature, but let’s face it, none of you read books anymore. (Well, almost none of you; I’m looking at you, bookworm!)

So without further ado, here they are, ten characters you love on the big screen (or small screen) that would annoy the dickens out of you if they were real.

10. Tony Stark (Iron Man)

A super-intelligent jerk with a super suit that gets all of the girls and thinks he’s the best human who ever lived—yeah, that sounds like someone I’d want to be friends with. NOT!

Tony Stark is a self-centered, arrogant know-it-all. He never shuts up and loves to brag. Plus, he’s not reliable and he’s a drunk. Sure, he might save the world on occasion, but you definitely wouldn’t like the guy.

9. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (All four of them)

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles might be “awesome” on TV, but think of how incredibly obnoxious they’d be in reality.

Michelangelo is basically a stoner. He’s the guy who comes to your house and eats all your food. (“Cowabunga, what’s the big deal?”) Raphael is a jerk—remember the song, he’s “cool, but crude”. Donatello is a big nerd and a showoff. Leonardo might be the only one of the four who’s alright, but as the leader of the group, he’s somewhat pompous. Plus, they’re giant turtles. Giant turtles would terrify you. (Also, why do they wear masks? Do they really think they’re concealing their identities?)

March Madness Sweet Sixteen: Picking Winners Using Mascots

Well, the first week of March Madness is over and, if you're anything like me, you still have a perfect bracket. (My bracket.)

However, most of you reading this are probably not like me since most people-- except maybe my clones-- are not like me. (It is also debatable whether or not my clones are really people and whether they should have the right to vote. I do not care if they have the right to vote, but one day I will harvest their organs. Unless, of course, I am a clone and don't know it, in which case, I am against that.)

Top 10 Worst Board Games Ever

For as long as man has existed, there have been board games. In fact, archaeologists now think that cavemen invented fire so that they could play backgammon late into the night. (Also, they would be able to use the fire to see if dinosaurs were heading towards their caves.)

Nowadays, board games are a fun way to pass the time if there is a power outage in your neighborhood and you can’t watch TV. They are great for children and also for college students who want to do something while pregamming before a night out (a case in which some rules might have to be modified to allow for alcohol consumption).

One example of a popular board game is Monopoly. Monopoly is so popular that Hasbro has made roughly 1,000,000 different versions of it. I do not like Monopoly (not even the SpongeBob version) because it takes too long to play and I have little patience. Also, people always play Monopoly with different rules and one person always takes the game way too seriously and another person always takes the game not seriously at all (me) and might even try to cheat and take extra fake money (me again). Despite this, after hours and hours of extensive research, I have determined that Monopoly is not one of the worst board games ever.

Top 10 New (Ridiculous) Products

My grandmother always has several different gossip magazines, newspaper clippings, cartoons, articles, etc., etc., in her purse that she can take out at a moment's notice to show you.  Recently, she showed me the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, which I had never seen before.  This is actually very surprising since when I looked up the catalog on Wikipedia, I learned that it was founded in 1848-- the year of my birth.

What makes the catalog great is that it has even more ridiculous overpriced crap than those SkyMall catalogs on airplanes.  Here are the Top 10 Products for sale in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, or simply the Top 10 New Products, since there really can't be any products better than these.  And when I say "better", what I really mean is "worse".

Top 10 Coolest Talking Movie Dogs

There are four requirements you have to meet in order to be on this list.  You must be:

·      A dog

·      In a movie

·      Able to talk (remember, you must also be a dog)

·      Cool

I didn’t say making the Top 10 Coolest Talking Movie Dogs list was going to be easy!  Without further ado, here are the ten most awesome linguistically-gifted canines from the big screen.  (Please note: If your favorite movie talking dog didn’t make the cut, I don’t care.)

Jeffrey's Top 10 Inventions (That Need to be Made)

There seem to be new inventions popping up every single day.  That is because on most days at least one person in the world has invented something.  I know this is probably true because on most days I invent at least one amazing new invention.  However, since I am not handy, I cannot actually build these inventions (so they are really only great ideas).

Thomas Edison was such a good inventor that they named a town in New Jersey after him.

Here is a list of some of the greatest inventions in history:

• Fire (mankind’s first great invention)
• TV
• Remote Control
• Dog (humans invented dogs by breeding nice wolves—I saw a special about it on Animal Planet)
• Spaceships
• Spark Plugs
• Tires
• Jeggings
• Pillows
• Candles
• Paper (I know that this was invented in China)
• Funny Hats
• Time

Just kidding with that last one!  We didn’t invent time—it existed even before people did!  Someone did invent the clock though.

Many inventions are good, but some end up being bad.  With new technology comes more complex inventions and a possible robot revolt.  If you have ever watched Battlestar Galactica, you know that Cylons look and act like real people, but they really want to kill us.

Here’s a list of my Top 10 Inventions.  Since I have not actually created these products and do not own any patents for them, you can steal these ideas.  Actually, most of these things probably already exist and I just don’t know it.

Game Show Extravaganza!

Do you want to win money?  How about $10,000?  How about $1,000,000?  Well, all you have to do is buy my new book, "Jeffrey the Great Tells You How to Win A Million Dollars".  It can be downloaded to your Kindle or Nook for just $750 (I had to lower the price down from $1,000 because sales were bad).

It's basically a rip-off of The Hunger Games. Only it's better.

Just kidding!  We all know that I don't know how to write books (or even how to read)!  However, I do know how you can make lots of money and win exciting prizes too!  It is by going on a game show! (Exclamation point overload in this paragraph.)

The 10 People I'm Having Over For Dinner

Oh, hello there.  I am having an amazing dinner party and you're invited.  You're invitation is in the mail (I am very old-fashioned and don't believe in e-mail).  What's great about this dinner party is that it is a magical dinner party.  You see, I was able to invite anyone, fictional or nonfictional, living or dead.  In addition to you and I, I was allowed to invite ten others (I cheated and there are actually a few more than ten other guests).  Everyone else has already RSVP'd (they'll all be attending).  I hope you can make it!

GUEST LIST

1. Wolverine

We want the dinner party to be cool, don't we?  (We do.)  Well, no one is cooler than Wolverine.  He probably won't talk too much, but that's fine; when he does talk, everyone will listen.  We will have a special smoking corner for Wolverine for when he wants to have a cigar (since we don't want everyone else to get black lungs).

He needs a fork and a spoon, but not a knife.

MARCH MADNESS WITH MASCOTS: THE SWEET SIXTEEN

If you're anything like me (and if you're reading this, there's a good chance that you are me re-reading my work), then your bracket is completely and hopelessly busted.  Thanks a lot Missouri and Florida State.  There goes any chance that I'll be applying to either of your grad schools.

Luckily for us, Yahoo has something called the Second Chance Bracket.  Basically, if you predict the rest of the games correctly and win a bunch of tie breakers you win $5,000.

Since my method of picking teams by analyzing games didn't work last time, I'll be picking winners based on college mascots.  This is probably what I should've been doing all along.  Let's take a look at who's going to be squaring off on Thursday and Friday.

Top 10 Worst Toy Fads!

Time to get nostalgic, ladies and gents!  Let’s countdown the Top 10 Worst Toy Fads!  Admit it, you had a bunch of these things.

Top 10 Films of 2011!

Drum roll please. (*Drum, drum, drum, drum, drum* sound.)  Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, (and old people too,) it is time for the article you’ve all been waiting for…JEFFREY’S TOP 10 FILMS OF 2011!!!!!!!  (Look how many exclamation points I used—how obnoxious!!!!)

As always, Oscar failed to nominate many of the year’s best pictures and instead honored several undeserving works (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, War Horse, The Help).  I am, of course, not referring to the Oscars, the awards show, but to the film rankings done by my great uncle Oscar, who’s a bit of a film buff himself.  Just kidding (I don’t have a great uncle Oscar)!  I really did mean the Oscars!  In fact, you should check out the Jeffreys, which I hear are actually more credible and a million times better than the Oscars now.

All in all, 2011 was a very weak year for movies.  There were actually only two movies this year that blew me away.  And, while there were some other films that were very good, most weren’t great, four-star films.

Without further ado, here they are:

COMING UP WITH BETTER TITLES FOR THIS YEAR'S TOP FILMS

A good movie title sends people running (or driving) to theatres while a bad title doesn’t entice people to turn off CSI, get off the couch, and leave the house.  (For example, I run to the theatre to fork over $13 whenever a movie is released that has “Madea” in the title.)  Some of the movies released this year had titles that fit perfectly (The Artist, Drive, Moneyball), but others could’ve done much better.  Too bad they didn’t ask me for advice before these movies were released.

Top 10 People Who Should Run for President

Everyone who knows me knows that one of my favorite things in the whole wide world is politics (right after writing, football, making movies, reading, fantasy football, editing, sports in general, the New York Jets, New York City, traveling, listening to music, singing, drawing, my friends & family, my girlfriend, animals, acting, dancing, going out, eating good food, sleeping, watching TV, Survivor, Boardwalk Empire, Homeland, playing basketball, watching basketball (college, not NBA), Y: The Last Man, graphic novels/comic books, Christopher Nolan movies (Memento, The Prestige, Batman Begins, etc.), The Jeffrey & Jennifer Show, The Jeff & The Bonch Show, “J. Lobsta & Pneumonia”, Battlestar Galactica, monkeys, squirrels, cool posters, backgammon, checkers, poker, working out, going on adventures, Darrelle Revis, talking on the phone, going on walks, dogs, Facebook, YouTube, Rex Ryan, Netflix, American Pickers, The Price is Right, pinball, and martial arts).

The 30 Best Graphic Novels Ever

There are two types of people: people who can read and people who can look at pictures.  Actually, there are three types of people because some people can both read and look at pictures.  Graphic novels are good for the first two types, but if you can read AND see, then they're FANTASTIC for you!  (Actually, I just realized that if you can't see, you can't read; unless, of course, you're reading brail.  I am thinking about this too much now.)

Many of the titles on this list aren't actually one-shot graphic novels.  Sometimes I list an entire series (usually a series that's concluded, but twice I rank an ongoing series).  Basically, whatever's the best of the best.  (I made the list so I make the rules!)  Enjoy!


30.) EX MACHINA, Volumes 1-10 (complete series), by Brian K. Vaughan
29.) SIN CITY, by Frank Miller
28.) WANTED, by Mark Millar
27.) ULTRA: SEVEN DAYS, by The Luna Brothers
26.) POWERS: WHO KILLED RETRO GIRL?, by Brian Michael Bendis
25.) FROM HELL, by Alan Moore
24.) THE NOBODY, by Jeff Lemire
23.) THE ULTIMATES, Volumes 1 & 2, by Mark Millar 
22.) WATCHMEN, by Alan Moore
21.) HELLBOY: SEED OF DESTRUCTION, by Mike Mignola 

20.) PRIDE OF BAGHDAD, by Brian K. Vaughan

The story of a pride of lions who escape from the Baghdad Zoo during the bombing of Baghdad.

19.) MARVEL 1602, by Neil Gaiman

The title is pretty accurate; it's Marvel heroes and villains in the year (you guessed it) 1602.  Beautifully illustrated by Andy Kubert.  You don't need a detailed understanding of the Marvel Universe to enjoy 1602.

Jeffrey Finds Rare Geodes in the Attic

If you follow the news, then you surely know that a man found $500,000 worth of rare coins in an abandoned storage unit he bid on and won for $1,100.  The auction was run by American Auctioneers, the company featured in A&E’s Storage Wars, a show in which obnoxious people bid on the lockers of other people who, for one reason or another, have failed to pay their storage fees.  (Go pay your storage fees, everyone!)  Unfortunately, cameras were not rolling during this auction.  Still, this story got me thinking: Who knows where rare treasures are hiding?

12 GREAT HALLOWEEN COSTUMES!

Do you know what holiday is on October 31st? No, it's not Easter. No, it's not Arbor Day either. Yes, that's right! It's Halloween!

Halloween is actually my third favorite holiday, after Thanksgiving and my birthday (which is like a holiday). On Halloween, when you're a child, you get to dress up in a costume and walk around your neighborhood and get candy. When you're older, Halloween is still fun because you can put on a costume and go to a bar and drink excessively. (Unless you have kids, then you should walk around the neighborhood with them; I do not condone bad parenting.)

So, what should you be for Halloween this year? You want to have the best costume out of all your friends, don't you? (Rhetorical question; do not answer.) Luckily for you, I have compiled this list of 12 GREAT Halloween costumes. Since the word "great" is written in all caps, you know I mean business.

Without further ado...

2014 Super Bowl Logo Revealed! A Look at Old SB Logos and a Review of the New One!

The logo for the 2014 Super Bowl, which will be played at MetLife Stadium (home of the Jets & Giants), was revealed today.  Before we get to our review of the logo, let's take a look back at some Super Bowl logos of seasons past.