Tuesday, June 28, 2011


(The 13th month that nobody knows about but me, Jeffuary, will not be ranked.)

Some days, I wake up with the intention of answering one of life’s more important questions.  What happens to us when we die?  Do aliens exist?  What is the best month of the year?  Today, I decided to answer the third question, since I do not have the time, or the resources, to answer the other two.  (I am not a wizard; I cannot just find out answers to life’s mysteries with a wave of my hand.)  After extensive research and intellectual reasoning (causing great strain on my simple mind), I created this list.  (NOTE: When ranking the months, weather obviously was a factor.  Thus, this list might differ a little bit for someone not living in the Northeastern United States.)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


It has come to my attention that many people who live on Earth use this website as their primary news source.  I say “people who live on Earth” and not “Americans” because many readers of this blog come from other countries (8 views from the Ukraine today).  (Particularly, there are a surprising amount of views from Italy.  Ciao, Italians!)  I do not like to use the word Earthlings instead of “people who live on Earth” since it is a nerd word and I do not like the sound of it when spoken out loud.  (I realize that I just used the word Earthlings to explain this, but you can be certain that I will never use it in this blog again.)  I know what you are thinking, and you are right, there is a chance that aliens are intercepting the internet and reading this blog in space.  However, the odds of this are probably less than 10%.  But if you are reading this aliens, I am not a threat.  Please do not take us over.

Stay home, freak!

Oh my, I am going on a wild tangent that makes little to no sense!  It’s time to get down to business and report the news!
Today, the Federal Drug Administration unveiled new warning labels that cigarette companies will have to put on their packs by September 2012.  The labels will cover 50% (or half) of the cigarette pack and some of them are pretty disturbing to look at, like a man with a hole in his throat, or another of someone’s disgusting teeth and gums.
Do not smoke, or eat candy!

The yellow area is where the particular name of the cigarettes will go.

The best (least gross) picture is of a silly-looking man with a T-shirt that reads “I Quit.”
He might've quit smoking, but he has not quit being bald.

I think that the new labels will have an impact on getting people to quit smoking, not because people will be scared by them (everyone knows the dangers of smoking already), but because they look gross.  In contrast, if the cigarette labels looked like this, more people would smoke.

A cigarette label this inviting would increase smoking tenfold.

Here, in New York City, lots of people smoke because it’s a social thing to do, a conversation starter that makes you look cool.  But after the new labels, imagine the following conversation outside a bar on a Friday night:

Hot Girl: Hey, can I have a cigarette?

Jon: Sure.

Hot Girl: Oh, you’ve got the pack with dying cartoon baby.

Jon: Yeah, they were all out of the “fatal lung disease in nonsmokers” labels.

Hot Girl: These labels are a real turn-off; I don’t think I want to talk to you anymore.

Cigarette companies are obviously very mad at all of this, as are smokers.  They are quick to complain about how the government acts in this manner about cigarettes, but not alcohol.  How come alcohol bottles don’t get pictures of a drunken guy collapsed on the ground, or having a one-night stand with a homely girl?  I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I am a big fan of the HBO show Boardwalk Empire, so I do know that alcohol was at one time illegal.  Also, I learned that the government is corrupt.

Do not cross Nookie Thompson.

Because of the new labels, I predict that cigarette cases will become extremely popular.  Though people don’t really use them right now, you can see them in film noir movies.  Supporting my theory is that after the European Union made their cigarette labels grimmer, cigarette case sales rose.  It is time to invest in companies that make cigarette cases!  Or, it’s time to start a company that makes cool cigarette cases with different designs (and get investors for it on Shark Tank)!  There, I just made you a millionaire!  You can thank me later!
They'll fly off the shelves!


In other news, Yahoo! News reports that two bald eagles attacked a post office at an Alaskan port.  (Something that Alfred Hitchcock predicted would happen in his movie Rear Window.)  Clearly, this was a newsworthy main page story.

He just looks evil here.

The story made me feel confused and conflicted since I like birds.

Animals I Like
1. Monkeys
2. Squirrels
3. Dogs
4. Birds
5. Bears

Animals I Do Not Like
1. Bugs
2. Naked Mole Rats
3. Snakes
4. Cats
5. Leprechauns

I am not worried about being attacked by birds, though, since I do not plan on going to Alaska, or the post office, anytime soon.  Also, I am stronger and smarter than birds (but I cannot fly).

I’m sure that you heard about the death of Paul the Octopus last year.  Paul was a German octopus who was “psychic” and would predict the winners of soccer games.  He went an impressive 12/14 in his lifetime and is probably the most famous German of the past 50 years.

Paul is lookin' good!

Now that he’s passed, the Germans are holding a competition between eight different octopi to see who will become the next Paul.  I think this whole thing is ridiculous.  If Paul were really psychic, he would be an incredibly special octopus and could not be so easily replaced.  Also, since Paul died so young (2 years old), maybe the Germans should find a psychic lobster.  He could live to be100 years old if he escapes being accidentally eaten.


Well, that’s all the news we have for this past week.  Keep up the good work, dear reader, and maybe one day you’ll make the news for doing something magnificent.  (Or maybe you won’t.)

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Thursday, June 9, 2011

What Jeffrey's Watching

Last night, while flipping channels, I stumbled across Extreme Couponers on TLC.  It was quite extreme.  The show focuses on crazy people who spend all of their time gathering coupons (sometimes by sifting through other people's recycling).  Then, they come up with an intricate game plan for how they're going to move through the grocery store and exactly what they'll buy before heading out, making their purchases, and spending little (or no) money while getting hundreds of dollars worth of groceries.

Many of the "extreme couponers" seem to be collecting the groceries the same way a nerd would collect Star Wars memoribilia.  They store them in their garages which look like mini-stores loaded with products they'll never sell.  There's also no possible way they can eat 95% of what they buy.  One woman has a stockpile of $15,000 worth of groceries.  "How many (boxes of) rice should we get?" one couponer asks her daughter.  "Four," responds the little girl.  The crazy woman scoffs.  "How about 320."

Extreme couponers have enough food saved up to survive nuclear winter.

So, how do they do it?
The show gives us this example: 
Yogurt is $0.69.
The woman has coupons for $0.35 off.
She has some sort of store membership that doubles her coupons (some grocery stores seem to do this).  Now, she's getting all $0.69 off.
So the yogurt for free.  She takes 540 cups.

This many yogurts multiplied by 540.

You have to give some of these people credit.  Many (but not all) of them do donate some of the food they're getting.  But, you can imagine the poor guy who comes to the store with a single coupon and finds that the store's been bought out of canned soup by a crazy person.

This couponer was very popular in high school.
The second woman profiled on the show gets 134 boxes of cous cous.  She admits she's never tried them before, but, hey, she might like it.  She also gets 600 packs of candy and 93 bottles of hot sauce.  She's not one of the couponers who donates anything.  Overall, the woman gets $2,123.56 worth of food and the store gives her a gift card for $57.51, since with all her coupons, they owe her money.  The irony is that this is the last person in the world who needs a gift card for food. 

Everyone loves pasta!

I decided to give another episode of the show a try, but I quickly realized that every episode (and every person on the show) is basically the exact same.  They love coupons.  They love groceries.  And they are, as advertised, extreme.

Also while surfing channels, I stumbled upon one of the most boring-sounding shows ever: How States Got Their Shapes.  It does not disappoint.  If you have ever wondered why "Idaho looks like Montana took a bite out of it," this show is for you.  If you are a normal person and have friends, change the channel.

You can tell the host is a player.

The Best Commercial Award goes to Huggies Jeans Diapers.  In the commercial, a toddler struts down the street in a denim style diaper.  "My diaper is full," says a cool-sounding voice.  "Full of fashion."  The commercial seems like a College Humor video or SNL commercial, but no, it's real.
This baby has more style than your baby.

Every pack purchased helps diaper a baby in need, but the Huggies website doesn't specify donating the diapers to any specific organization, or explain how they're giving them out.  The "baby in need" is probably your baby since without a diaper you'd find yourself in a messy situation.  This is assuming you have a baby, which you most likely do.  Lots of new mothers are fans of Jeffrey The Great.

Matthew McConaughey's partner is a big fan of this website, but not as big a fan as Matthew McConaughey.

Luckily, tonight, I won't have to struggle to find something on.  I'll be watching this slacker not try hard and lose to the Mavs.

Monday, June 6, 2011


It was a hot, sunny day in Central New Jersey.  I'd planned to go running in preparation for a race (a rematch!) with my little sister's friend, Mimi, but I knew that the heat would make me super dehydrated and I might faint.  So instead, I decided to go to Quakerbridge Mall to buy some new clothes.  It didn't go well.

I have no idea why this fire truck was at Quakerbridge Mall.  It wasn't there when I went.

Saturday, June 4, 2011


People are constantly asking me: Jeff, what's cool?  What's in?  What's the new hip thing?  Well, I'll tell you!  Here are the three big things you need to know about right now!


If you've taken a walk around NYC recently (if you haven't, you can imagine that you have), you've probably noticed a few things: It's getting hotter, people are wearing less clothes (possibly a result of the heat), and ice cream trucks are popping up all over (also possibly because of the heat).  All of these things, however, are typical for the summer.  What isn't typical is all the little kids (and older kids, and sometimes even adults) moving along the sidewalks on scooters.

Unlike most kids, this boy wears a helmet.  He must have uncool parents.

Many of us remember when Razor Scooters were extremely popular back in the early 2000s.  (If you do not remember this, you are either too old and are senile, or you are too young and were born after 2000.)  Back then, if you wanted to be cool, you had to have a scooter.  I did not have a scooter.  My sister had one, though, and sometimes she would let me ride it.

Now, scooters are back!  When you walk around more family-oriented areas of the city, or sometimes even the ghetto, you'll see them.  Oftentimes, kids will scooter right towards you at top speed like little heat-seeking missiles.  These children are very foolish and their actions could result in injuries to themselves or others.  Still, this has not deterred their parents from getting them scooters.

Sometimes older people will ride scooters.  Despite what you may think, these people are super cool.  You should aspire to be like these people as they've managed to stay ahead of the trend.
She looks so happy on her new, shiny scooter.  I bet she gets all the guys.

It is impressive that scooters were able to comeback after being not cool for so long.  Next year, I predict a huge comeback for POGS.


A few months ago, New Jersey Transit started trying out something called "quiet cars".  As you might've guessed (if you have an IQ of at least 85) you're not allowed to talk in the designated quiet cars on the train.

If you just touched your computer screen you are an idiot.

There are several problems with the quiet car idea.  Firstly, though it's usually cars at one end of the train that are quiet cars, the cars themselves are not labeled.  They look just like ordinary cars!  Sometimes, people sit down in a quiet car and start talking loudly.  Then, someone complains and a conductor comes over to explain that they're in a quiet car.  This whole exchange is annoying to me.

If I am not allowed to talk on the train, I will ride in the back of this van with this pervert.

Another problem is that people from New Jersey (and New York City) are generally loud and being quiet is very difficult for them.  Still, what happens if the NJ Transit quiet cars are somehow a success?  Will we get quiet cars on NYC subways?  I don't see any feasible way that would work because of all the crazy people that ride the subway.  Crazy people like to sing or talk to themselves.

When I'm not building snowmen, I like to sing on the subway for coins.

Also, the issue of the quiet car yet again brings about the famous question: Just how quiet is too quiet?  Typically when it's too quiet, something very bad or surprising is about to happen. 


Fans of the Food Pyramid got sad news a few days ago when the U.S. Department of Agriculture came out with MyPlate.  Unlike the Food Pyramid, which is arranged in a pyramid style, MyPlate is arranged in the shape of a plate.  USDA officials say that MyPlate it is easier for people to understand.  Clearly, they don't think very highly of Americans.

MyPlate stresses the importance of getting plenty of fruits and vegetables.  The government is trying to stop people from becoming too fat, but as long as McDonalds exists, this will not happen. 

If you do not eat these vegetables, they will eat you.

It cost the USDA around $2 million to come up with the MyPlate.  Money well spent to design something that looks like a fourth graders health class project.

There you have it folks!  Ride your scooter to NJ Transit, take a seat in a quiet car, and (quietly) bite into a crunchy celery stick!  You're the coolest guy (or girl) in town!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

MY HAIRCUT (doesn't this title just get you excited for this post)!!


JEFFREY THE GREAT, 23, handsome and in need of a haircut, enters the SUPERCUTS in Manhattan on 86th & 2nd.

I was hoping to look as cool as this guy after my haircut.

TOM (name changed to protect hairdresser), late 20s, Asian and short, looks up from behind the counter.

Is Fazzana in today? 

Fazzana hurt her hand.  Tom can give you a haircut. (Whenever someone refers to themselves in third person it is typically a very bad sign.) Follow me.

Jeffrey follows Tom to a chair.

So, what are we doing today?

Just shorter.  I like it shorter on the sides, then blending into more hair at the top.

The clippers on the side?

Okay.  It's pretty hot out there.  Need to have short hair.

I know what you mean.
Do you know the secret to THICK, HEALTHY, BEAUTIFUL hair? (Oh, no!  He's going to try to sell me something.)


Well, I'll tell you.  The secret is beans.
Red beans and black beans.  (Nope.  He's just crazy.)


That is why Mexican people have such beautiful, healthy hair.  I bet you've never seen a Mexican person with bad hair.  That's why you should eat lots of beans. (I am starting to get very worried about my haircut.)

(humoring him)
So, just eat lots of red and black beans.

But that's not all.  You have to listen to the second part of what I'm saying.  You can't just have the beans, you also have to have THE MINERAL.  (What mineral?  Maybe he's trying to sell me something.  Possibly a mineral he's making in his apartment.)


You go to GMC, or another vitamin store, and you ask for it.  Don't look for it on the shelves they have to get it for you.
But don't let them trick you into buying the expensive one, don't buy the Ferrari minerals.  Buy the Honda minerals.  Or, do you know what a Kia is?


You can even get that level of minerals.  Or you could just get the middle cost ones so you don't feel like it's too cheap.

Yeah. (I'm pretty sure he can tell I'm not interested, but he really wants to hammer home his point.)

You have to remember to have THE MINERAL because if you don't, all of the goodness from the beans will just come out in the toilet.  Spanish people don't have that problem because their bodies are different.  We're all different.  You are Caucasian.  I am Chinese.  Caucasian people get very tall.  You don't see any tall Mexican people.  It is a tradeoff.

Uh huh.

You can take my advice, or not it's your choice.

I guess it's worth it to try for a little while. (Please don't give me a bad haircut.)

Trust me.  I am not making this up.  There was another man who worked here, a chemist.  He went back to Israel and he is the one who figured all this out. (I'm wishing I was getting my hair cut by the Israeli chemist who used to be a hairdresser.) It really works.
So, how many times have you come here?

This is my second time.

Wow, Fazzana must've done a real good job for you to come back and ask for her.


That is what I want to do.  Get people to come back to me.

How long have you worked here?

A month and a half.  But I have been cutting hair forever. (A lie.)

Oh... that's nice.

Tom finished up my haircut, mentioning beans, THE MINERAL, and his chemist friend several more times.

All things considered, he did a halfway decent job.  He is the second craziest person I've had cut my hair at Supercuts.  The craziest was a woman who was on drugs.  Tom did a better job than her.

I'd give it a 6.5/10

(Note: I looked it up and beans are good for your hair, but so are most other foods, like fish, beef, nuts, and fruits.)