Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Super Moon

Last night was the first SUPER perigee moon in nearly 20 years!!  The moon was 14% larger and 30% brighter than normal full moons!!  (Hopefully, all of these exclamation points are conveying how very exciting this is.)

I went out to observe this so-called super moon at roughly 9:00PM and I was very unimpressed.  The moon looked the same as usual and was only slightly brighter.  I went back outside at 1:00AM to take pictures of the perigee moon so that I could write a post about how lame it was.  But what I saw when I went outside wasn't what I expected...

The moon was super!  It was like a giant flashlight shining down from the heavens!  It was so bright that at first I thought someone left the porch lights on, but no, it was the moon!  Though the moon didn't seem to be much larger, it was definitely way brighter.

I took some photos of the moon, but since I do not have an expensive, professional photographer camera (only a normal one) they really don't do the super moon justice (and in a lot of the photos it looks just like a normal moon).

Me pointing to the moon

Some random girl pointing at the super moon

In reality, the moon looked more like this: 

The moon is very important to Earth and it was nice to see it at its best.  I always say that dog is to man as moon is to Earth (and this is an "analogy").  Last night was a reminder of how important and special our moon is to all of us.  If we did not have the moon, we would have to go all the way to Mars to have another place to colonize when the earth is too crowded.  Also, soon we will be allowed to go on vacations to the moon and it will be better than Disney World, maybe even better than Universal Studios.

Better than Disney World?

If you missed the super perigee moon, do not fret!  The next one will be in just 18 years!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Team name/mascot Bracket

Many people consider team mascots when making their selections for the NCAA Tournament.  Here's a bracket with team names in place of university names to make your selection easier.

*I got the Blackbirds, Golden Grizzlies, Jayhawks, and Badgers in my Final Four (so it's probably best not to make your picks this way after all)! 

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Zombie Apocalypse Nears!

It is commonly believed that the Zombie Apocalypse will be started by either a virus, government experiment gone wrong, or meteorite with alien parasites.  However, a new discovery made by some bug nerds in Brazil, has given us a more likely culprit.

I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong: The Zombie Apocalypse will NOT be caused by ants with antlers (though why is it that deer have antlers and ants don't have antlers, dumb english language).

What's on this (dead) ant's head?... It's a DEADLY FUNGUS EXPLODING OUT OF ITS BRAIN!

Entomologists have discovered four different fungus species that are capable of zombifying ants.  All four infect the ant, gain control of its brain, and use the ant to spread fungi to other ants.  In the end, the mind-controlled ant is marched away from the others where the fungi picks out a good place for the ant to die-- a place where the fungi can grow large and spread all of its spores.

Ant: "Help me!  The fungus is getting me!"

I do not like ants.  In fact, my least favorite animal is "the bug" (my favorite is the capuchin monkey).  However, ants are by far not the worst bug.

Really, Really Bad Bugs                         Bad Bugs                             Not so Bad Bugs
Cockroach                                                 Millipede                              Ladybug
Centipede                                                  Ant                                        Butterfly
Bed Bugs                                                   Moth
Spiders (they're like bugs)

Ants definitely do not deserve to be zombified.

More important than the ants, though, are the implications for human kind.  If there's fungi that can do this to ants, what if there's a fungus that can do this to us?

Imagine this scenario: Someone wanders into a cave in some remote part of the world, a cave where the human zombie fungus has lied dormant for thousands of years.  The person leaves the cave and, now controlled by fungus, heads back to civilization and infects others.  Soon, we're living in a world where millions of people are mind-controlled zombies.  The bodies of the infected are covered in evil fungus spores and once they touch you, or once you go near a dead zombie, BAM!  you're infected and the fungus takes over your brain.  
These guys have been infected by zombifying fungus!

Within a year, 99.9% of the population is infected and you're one of the only survivors.  You team up with some really tough guys, a few incredibly hot models, and me.

The old guy might be zombified, but the others are still human.

We do our best, but we're being killed off one by one.  We end up wandering in the jungle when, suddenly and luckily, we find a mysterious spaceship.  We get in-- the ship works.  With the other remaining survivors, you and I blast off and settle on a distant world (we find one that can support human life).  Life as we knew it is over, but at least the zombie apocalypse is behind us.  It's time to begin a new human civilization on this alien planet.

This is what might happen if there is a human version of the zombie ant fungus.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

no fun at BYU

Brandon Davies was kicked off the BYU basketball team for violating the BYU honor code (pretty much eliminating any chance BYU had for going far in the tournament).  His violation: Having sex with his girlfriend.

Jesus doesn't approve of this guy

I decided to take a look the honor code statement on the school's website, to find out other reasons I decided not to go to BYU.

My favorite part of the code, besides the part which forbids drinking tea and coffee (personally, I think Jesus would've been a tea drinker), is that beards aren't permitted.  You can, however, "obtain a beard exception" if you get a doctor's note saying you need the beard for medical reasons (not a joke).  If you don't want to go through the trouble of getting a note, a moustache is allowed as long as it's neatly trimmed and doesn't "extend beyond or below the corners of the mouth" (BYU doesn't want you to have a beard, but they don't care if you look like a child molester).

Pretty much, BYU is the opposite of Tisch, where sex, drinking coffee and/or tea, and having a beard, is basically a requirement.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


Many people are complaining about how bad the Oscars were this year.  I am here to present you with a solution!

Next February... there will be... the first annual JEFFREY AWARDS!!!

I know what you're thinking: The Jeffreys will be just like the Oscars.  Well, you are partially right.  The Jeffreys are like the Oscars... only a million times better!

Instead of 6,000 lame, old academy members voting for winners, we will have a team of 10-12 former or current NYU Tisch Dramatic Writing students.  This team of qualified movie experts will vote, first to determine the nominees, and then later to determine the winners.  This will be an open ballot so that people can be held accountable for their votes.

I've taken some of the problems people have with the Oscars into account when devising the Jeffreys.

The Oscars are long and boring: 24 awards, most of which no one cares about, and (mostly) boring acceptance speeches.

There will be only EIGHT Jeffrey Awards each year: 
Best Picture (ONLY 5 films will be nominated)
Best Director
Best Actor
Best Supporting Actor
Best Actress
Best Supporting Actress
Best Screenplay (Adapted and Original both fall under this category)
Best Animated Film
In addition to the eight awards, the films that finish 2nd and 3rd in Best Picture voting will receive a certificate.

This past year, Anne Hathaway and James Franco bombed at the Oscars.  The Jeffreys will have no such problem as I will be hosting and I have phenomenal hosting skills.  Co-hosting with me will be an equally fantastic host, but I don't want to spoil the surprise of who it will be.

The Jeffreys will have amazing presenters, musical numbers, skits, and maybe even a celebrity guest or two.  There is also a good chance that there will be a streaker, or that someone will fall down.  

It'll only take a year or two before the Jeffreys are more popular and credible than the Oscars (or at least the Golden Globes).

So, tune in next year and watch the Jeffrey Awards on my blog, youtube, or (probably) FOX!


Oscars are boing, not funny, just plain awful.

The Oscars this year: BAD.

Anne Hathaway, who starred in such hits this year as Valentine's Day and Love and Other Drugs (she's on a role!), stunk.  James Franco, who garnered a nomination for 127 Hours (which he did deserve), was worse.  They were awkward, not at all funny, and the entire time it was pretty clear that James Franco did not want to be there.  I can't blame him, I wouldn't want to be there either if I had to read any of those crappy jokes written by Bruce Vilanch.  You pretty much knew this thing was going to be a stinker when Anne Hathaway pointed out her mom in the audience.  Anne Hathaway's Mom: "Stand up straight."  Awkward laughter.  Not funny.

Then there was Kirk Douglas.  My first question is, What is Kirk Douglas even doing there?  He's 94 years old, hasn't been in anything in years, and it's hard to make out every fourth word that he says.  According to Bailey Johnson of CBS News, Kirk Douglas "stole the show while presenting the award for best supporting actress."  Bailey, who seems to have loved Douglas, shouldn't have had quite so many shots within the show's first thirty minutes.  Kirk Douglas was creepy; it was uncomfortable when he was flirting with Anne Hathaway, not funny.  And, worst of all, Douglas, who has never won an Oscar, made an award that these actresses had to deliver phenomenal performances to be nominated for, all about him and his presentation.  He made them sit in the audience and wait while he made stupid jokes and flirted.  I can't imagine what poor fourteen year old Hailee Steinfeld was thinking, waiting to find out if she won an Oscar while a senile old man waved around a cane and an envelope on stage.

Get this man off the stage.

There were no good songs this year.  They never should've let us hear great songs like "Lose Yourself" from 8 Mile, "Falling Slowly" from Once, or "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" from Hustle & Flow, before letting us listen to the very average songs nominated this year.  They made the same sort of mistake once again when they had Billy Crystal take the stage just to remind us how poorly Hathaway and Franco were doing.

That Auto Tone video with Twilight and Harry Potter...  What was that?  That's the kind of video that someone sends me a link to that I click and then quickly close because it sucks.  I'd rather watch Baby Monkey Going Backwards on a Pig, or that cute puppy whistling.

What was up with those little kids in colorful T-shirts singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" at the end of the awards?  It was the type of thing parents are forced to sit through at elementary school shows.  It had nothing to do with the Oscars.  They have all the winners come out and stand with these little singing children?  Bizarre.

There were also no upsets (never fun) and no exciting speeches (Melissa Leo said BLEEP, who cares?).

Bottom Line: 3 hours and 15 minutes of boring.