Friday, May 27, 2011
Episode 3, featuring special guest, Jon Porter, writer/guest expert!
I was lying in my bed about to fall asleep when I heard the most horrific shrieking noise outside. I ran downstairs to find my mother foolishly heading out the door without anything to protect herself from a potentially dangerous beast. I told her to get back in the house and put some shoes on while I gathered tools (flashlight, baseball bat) for our investigation.
I went outside with my trusty assistant (who was necessary since I needed someone to hold the flashlight). I also took my camera to document what we'd find.
This is what transpired...
So what was the noise? After some thorough research on the internet, I have come to the conclusion that it was most likely one of the following.
A DOG/WOLF (dog pictured)
No one knows for sure what made the noise, though (except for the creature itself).
This time I was caught off-guard and unprepared for such an event. Tomorrow night, I will be ready and won't hesitate to go outside when I hear any strange noises that could potentially lead me being harmed.
(I am writing this late at night since my adrenaline is still so high from hearing the monster.)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Ray's comments got me thinking about NFL players and what they'll do if there's no football.
MICHAEL VICK will become a motivational speaker, talking about how he fought dogs, went to prison, and emerged a changed man. He will get a pet cat.
PEYTON MANNING will appear in every single TV commercial. He will move into an apartment with Eli and Archie Manning and they will find themselves in lots of wacky situations. Hopefully, it will become a reality TV show.
RAY LEWIS will murder. (Again*)
HINES WARD will be murdered by Ray Lewis.
CAM NEWTON will try to rob a bank. He will be caught, but will escape to Canada where he will live out the rest of his life. We will forget he existed.
MARK SANCHEZ will go on Dancing With The Stars.
BEN ROETHLISBERGER (who will be married in July) will still go around raping people. He will go to prison for 20 years and everyone except Steelers fans will be happy.
CHAD OCHOCINCO will star in his own reality TV show, launch his own iPhone app, try out for Major League Soccer, go on Dancing With The Stars, host an episode of WWE Monday Night Raw, and ride a bull at a professional bull riders event. Too late, he already did all of those things.
##After this article was posted, Ochocinco confirmed that he will be taking up snake wrangling.
It looks like Ray Lewis was right as far as NFL players are concerned. Judging from the random player sampling above, it looks like about 3 out of every 8 NFL players (or 37.5%) will commit crimes! Also, roughly 1 out of every 8 players (12.5%) will be murdered by Ray Lewis!
*Ray Lewis and two friends were indicted for murder in 2000. Lewis got the murder charge dropped in exchange for testimony against the other men.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Here's Episode 1 of THE JEFFREY AND JENNIFER SHOW from last summer. Due to high production costs, Episode 2 was never filmed, as promised at the end of the video. However, there are rumors that a second season of this instant cult sensation will be filming soon!!
SEASON 1, EPISODE 1: Jeffrey and Jennifer discuss the TOP 10 ANIMALS!!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Two days ago, while staying at the Morningside Inn (a bedbug-free hotel), I saw the following sheet prominently displayed by the elevator:
This was puzzling to me. In the past, I have seen posters for missing people, dogs, or even cats (I do not like cats), but I have never heard of someone searching for his or her missing plants. Did an avid plant collector visit the Morningside Inn, carry his plants around the hotel, and somehow lose them one by one? Did this plant collector have dementia, or the thing that the main character in Memento has? I do not know.
I will find out who raped and murdered my wife. Then, I will find out where I left my plants.
I asked the woman at the front desk about the sign, but she was not very helpful. She said that she thinks someone simply forgot their plants in their hotel room and wanted them back. This does not make sense to me because if this was the case the hotel staff could just retrieve the plants from the room. I think the front desk woman is a liar.
I wanted the $20 anyway so I started to search the hotel. I felt like Mario in Super Mario 64, hunting for stars to rescue Princess Peach from Bowser. (Except I was looking for plants, not stars, and my reward was $20, not a princess.)
Luckily, I was able to find all of the plants.
First, I found a ficus.
Then, I found a venus flytrap.
Then, I found Treebeard from Lord of the Rings.
This picture I cannot explain.
I was very happy and got the $20 reward.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
The summer is one of my favorite seasons (it's third, after fall and spring).
Here are some positives and negatives about the summer.
Here are some positives and negatives about the summer.
no shoveling get sweaty
can tan sun burn
do not need clothes birds chirping wakes me up
Summer Olympics (only once every 4 years) bees
my birthday allergies
I could go to sleep if not for this chirping bird!
However, there is one major negative that bumps the summer further down on the awesomeness scale... The TV season ends!! Tonight we say goodbye to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Survivor, Desperate Housewives, and The Cleveland Show. I hope you've got a DVR!
I hope you really don't watch this show!
Real Americans watch TV. It doesn't matter what show suits your fancy, be it Law & Order SVU, Justified, or Vampire Diaries. If you don't watch TV then you're probably not reading this blog because you don't have a computer and live in the woods and hunt for your own food (unless you have made the four hour drive to the nearest town to go to a library to use a computer).
So what are you supposed to do now that your favorite TV show is gone for the summer? Should you play board games with your kids? Should you go outside and get some exercise? Should you read something? The answer to all of these questions is "no" (except the first one, because no is not an acceptable answer to that question).
Board games like this are most certainly not family friendly (like Two and a Half Men)!
I have come up with a fantastic TV show and I have no doubt FOX will think it's a perfect lead-in for Hell's Kitchen on Tuesday nights (sorry Masterchef).
What is this fantastic show... It's POUND DOGS!
(I was going to call my show Pound Puppies, but there's actually a line of toys by that name. My second choice was Rescue Me, but this is the name of a show with firefighters.)
Pound Dogs is a reality competition which pits dogs without homes against one another. We'll start out with twelve dogs (different breeds, varied cuteness levels). Each week the dogs will do different tasks that let us learn more about them. One week the dogs will go to a hospital to comfort the ill. One week there'll be a dog fashion show. One week the dogs will run around and jump through hoops. (I have lots of other ideas, too.)
Ready for the fashion show!
After each episode, YOU, the viewer, get to call a special number and vote for your favorite dog. (You only have two hours to call, but you can call as many times as you want.) On Wednesday night at 8:00 (FOX will have to shorten So You Think You Can Dance to just one hour), we'll have the Pound Dogs Results Show. The dog with the fewest votes from the night before will be "put down" (killed) at the end of the show. The remaining dogs get to stay on the show!
"Please vote for me."
Finally, we get to the big finale... only two dogs remain! After the winner is revealed (and the runner-up goes to doggy heaven), the winning dog gets the big prize, a loving family to care for him (assuming the winner is a male dog).
What's that smell? Oh... it's money! It's the smell of fifteen million viewers watching Pound Dogs and advertisers forking over 500K for a thirty-second spot twenty!
*In all seriousness, according to the Humane Society, four million cats and dogs are put down in shelters each year. So go out, get a dog, neuter him (or spay her), turn off the TV, and take your new dog for a walk.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
There's currently a job posting on the NYU Wasserman Center for Career Development site that promises "the potential to make unlimited $$$" for female college students who are "daring" and "not afraid to explore and live on the wild side." The only qualifications listed are an "open mind and fun attitude" (and you presumably must be at least mildly attractive). Basically, it is a job for girls who want to be escorts. To apply all you need to do is send two photos of yourself. No resume or cover letter needed!
Complete posting below:
*Thanks to Nylah Lummer for bringing this posting to my attention. Sadly, I am not a woman and cannot apply.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
You probably didn't know that there was a wedding a few days ago. A prince married a woman from "the wrong side of the tracks." British people were very excited about this, but I did not care since it didn't seem like it was going to be as good as The King's Speech.
Still, all of this talk about marriage has inspired me to create this list: TOP 10 COUPLES EVER!!
"I lllliiike thhhis lllist."
10. Lois Lane and Superman
Since Superman has so many cool powers he could probably have his pick of any woman on Earth. Despite this, he is not a "player" and has married Lois Lane, a mildly attractive, snarky reporter.
9. WIll Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith
Will Smith was a famous rapper and the star of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, a show where he was from the hood, but now lived in Bel-Air (this often created hilarious circumstances). Later, he went on to star in some fantastic films like I, Robot and Men In Black II. His wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, was in the second and third Matrix films (the bad ones).
8. Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt
The Roosevelt's are one of the most famous presidential couples since they all did a great deal for the country. They were an unlikely pair since she was a lesbian and he couldn't walk.
7. Romeo and Juliet
This is probably the most famous couple of all time. Sadly, the relationship ended in tragedy. Even though Romeo and Juliet were very much in love, there was a miscommunication and Romeo poisoned himself and Juliet stabbed herself with a dagger.
6. Lady and the Tramp/ Beauty and the Beast (TIE)
Both of these stories are basically the same: Female falls for undesirable male. There are some famous romantic moments for both couples. Lady and the Tramp share a plate of spaghetti and as they slurp up a noodle their lips meet and they kiss. (I'm sure we have all done this to imitate the scene.) For Beauty and the Beast, there was the moment when Beast threw Gaston off the roof and when Beast turned back into a man. Also, the clock and candlestick sang.
He is going to take advantage of her.
5. David Beckham and Posh Spice
David Beckham is a very good-looking soccer player and probably the only soccer player most Americans can name since soccer is a boring sport not popular here in the states. Beckham married Posh Spice, one of the more attractive Spice Girls. The Spice Girls created some catchy songs that get stuck in your head very easily. In fact, you probably have a Spice Girls song stuck in your head since I just mentioned them.
4. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon
Ben and Matt are "childhood friends," which is code for that they have sex with one another. Their careers started after they starred in the film they co-wrote, Good Will Hunting. Both men are now married, but it is common knowledge this is only to help keep their gay relationship secret.
3. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
Tom Cruise is a small crazy man who used to make good movies. Some time ago, he became a Scientologist, jumped on Oprah's couch, and married Katie Holmes. Katie Holmes is fairly attractive and was on Dawson's Creek (I am told). She is a Nicole Kidman downgrade.
2. Lucy and Ricky
Most episodes of I Love Lucy go something like this: Lucy (who is mildly retarded) finds herself in a wacky situation. Ricky finds out and says, "Lucy! You got some 'splainin to do!" (Sometimes he yells at her in Spanish.) Lucy and Ricky reconcile because they are very much in love.
1. Jack and Rose
Titanic is one of the best movies of all time. (If you do not believe this, then you have no soul.) Rose is supposed to marry Cal, who is very wealthy, but also a jerk! She falls madly in love with Jack Dawson, who is dreamy. SPOILER ALERT* The boat they are on, The Titanic, sinks. Rose floats on a piece of wood while Jack is in the freezing water beside her. He makes her promise to never let go. Rose says, “I’ll never let go, Jack. I'll never let go." Later, though, she lets go and his body sinks to the bottom of the ocean. This is because the line is meant to be symbolic, not literal.
wherever you are,
I believe that the heart does go on.