Monday, May 23, 2011


Murderer NFL Linebacker Ray Lewis told ESPN's Sal Paolantonio yesterday that he believes crime will increase if there's no NFL season.  "Do this research if we don't have a season-- watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up," said Lewis.  So, why does Ray think crime will increase?  It's because, "there's nothing else to do."  Ray Lewis is 100% right, if there's no NFL season I won't get to watch the Jets or play fantasy football so instead I'll go rob a bank with my friends.  (I will rob the bank Inside Man style and won't get caught.)

Ray's comments got me thinking about NFL players and what they'll do if there's no football.

MICHAEL VICK will become a motivational speaker, talking about how he fought dogs, went to prison, and emerged a changed man.  He will get a pet cat.

PEYTON MANNING will appear in every single TV commercial.  He will move into an apartment with Eli and Archie Manning and they will find themselves in lots of wacky situations.  Hopefully, it will become a reality TV show.

RAY LEWIS will murder.  (Again*)

HINES WARD will be murdered by Ray Lewis.

CAM NEWTON will try to rob a bank.  He will be caught, but will escape to Canada where he will live out the rest of his life.  We will forget he existed.

MARK SANCHEZ will go on Dancing With The Stars.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER (who will be married in July) will still go around raping people.  He will go to prison for 20 years and everyone except Steelers fans will be happy.

CHAD OCHOCINCO will star in his own reality TV show, launch his own iPhone app, try out for Major League Soccer, go on Dancing With The Stars, host an episode of WWE Monday Night Raw, and ride a bull at a professional bull riders event.  Too late, he already did all of those things.

##After this article was posted, Ochocinco confirmed that he will be taking up snake wrangling.

It looks like Ray Lewis was right as far as NFL players are concerned.  Judging from the random player sampling above, it looks like about 3 out of every 8 NFL players (or 37.5%) will commit crimes!  Also, roughly 1 out of every 8 players (12.5%) will be murdered by Ray Lewis!

*Ray Lewis and two friends were indicted for murder in 2000.  Lewis got the murder charge dropped in exchange for testimony against the other men.