Tuesday, June 21, 2011


It has come to my attention that many people who live on Earth use this website as their primary news source.  I say “people who live on Earth” and not “Americans” because many readers of this blog come from other countries (8 views from the Ukraine today).  (Particularly, there are a surprising amount of views from Italy.  Ciao, Italians!)  I do not like to use the word Earthlings instead of “people who live on Earth” since it is a nerd word and I do not like the sound of it when spoken out loud.  (I realize that I just used the word Earthlings to explain this, but you can be certain that I will never use it in this blog again.)  I know what you are thinking, and you are right, there is a chance that aliens are intercepting the internet and reading this blog in space.  However, the odds of this are probably less than 10%.  But if you are reading this aliens, I am not a threat.  Please do not take us over.

Stay home, freak!

Oh my, I am going on a wild tangent that makes little to no sense!  It’s time to get down to business and report the news!
Today, the Federal Drug Administration unveiled new warning labels that cigarette companies will have to put on their packs by September 2012.  The labels will cover 50% (or half) of the cigarette pack and some of them are pretty disturbing to look at, like a man with a hole in his throat, or another of someone’s disgusting teeth and gums.
Do not smoke, or eat candy!

The yellow area is where the particular name of the cigarettes will go.

The best (least gross) picture is of a silly-looking man with a T-shirt that reads “I Quit.”
He might've quit smoking, but he has not quit being bald.

I think that the new labels will have an impact on getting people to quit smoking, not because people will be scared by them (everyone knows the dangers of smoking already), but because they look gross.  In contrast, if the cigarette labels looked like this, more people would smoke.

A cigarette label this inviting would increase smoking tenfold.

Here, in New York City, lots of people smoke because it’s a social thing to do, a conversation starter that makes you look cool.  But after the new labels, imagine the following conversation outside a bar on a Friday night:

Hot Girl: Hey, can I have a cigarette?

Jon: Sure.

Hot Girl: Oh, you’ve got the pack with dying cartoon baby.

Jon: Yeah, they were all out of the “fatal lung disease in nonsmokers” labels.

Hot Girl: These labels are a real turn-off; I don’t think I want to talk to you anymore.

Cigarette companies are obviously very mad at all of this, as are smokers.  They are quick to complain about how the government acts in this manner about cigarettes, but not alcohol.  How come alcohol bottles don’t get pictures of a drunken guy collapsed on the ground, or having a one-night stand with a homely girl?  I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I am a big fan of the HBO show Boardwalk Empire, so I do know that alcohol was at one time illegal.  Also, I learned that the government is corrupt.

Do not cross Nookie Thompson.

Because of the new labels, I predict that cigarette cases will become extremely popular.  Though people don’t really use them right now, you can see them in film noir movies.  Supporting my theory is that after the European Union made their cigarette labels grimmer, cigarette case sales rose.  It is time to invest in companies that make cigarette cases!  Or, it’s time to start a company that makes cool cigarette cases with different designs (and get investors for it on Shark Tank)!  There, I just made you a millionaire!  You can thank me later!
They'll fly off the shelves!


In other news, Yahoo! News reports that two bald eagles attacked a post office at an Alaskan port.  (Something that Alfred Hitchcock predicted would happen in his movie Rear Window.)  Clearly, this was a newsworthy main page story.

He just looks evil here.

The story made me feel confused and conflicted since I like birds.

Animals I Like
1. Monkeys
2. Squirrels
3. Dogs
4. Birds
5. Bears

Animals I Do Not Like
1. Bugs
2. Naked Mole Rats
3. Snakes
4. Cats
5. Leprechauns

I am not worried about being attacked by birds, though, since I do not plan on going to Alaska, or the post office, anytime soon.  Also, I am stronger and smarter than birds (but I cannot fly).

I’m sure that you heard about the death of Paul the Octopus last year.  Paul was a German octopus who was “psychic” and would predict the winners of soccer games.  He went an impressive 12/14 in his lifetime and is probably the most famous German of the past 50 years.

Paul is lookin' good!

Now that he’s passed, the Germans are holding a competition between eight different octopi to see who will become the next Paul.  I think this whole thing is ridiculous.  If Paul were really psychic, he would be an incredibly special octopus and could not be so easily replaced.  Also, since Paul died so young (2 years old), maybe the Germans should find a psychic lobster.  He could live to be100 years old if he escapes being accidentally eaten.


Well, that’s all the news we have for this past week.  Keep up the good work, dear reader, and maybe one day you’ll make the news for doing something magnificent.  (Or maybe you won’t.)