Saturday, June 4, 2011


People are constantly asking me: Jeff, what's cool?  What's in?  What's the new hip thing?  Well, I'll tell you!  Here are the three big things you need to know about right now!


If you've taken a walk around NYC recently (if you haven't, you can imagine that you have), you've probably noticed a few things: It's getting hotter, people are wearing less clothes (possibly a result of the heat), and ice cream trucks are popping up all over (also possibly because of the heat).  All of these things, however, are typical for the summer.  What isn't typical is all the little kids (and older kids, and sometimes even adults) moving along the sidewalks on scooters.

Unlike most kids, this boy wears a helmet.  He must have uncool parents.

Many of us remember when Razor Scooters were extremely popular back in the early 2000s.  (If you do not remember this, you are either too old and are senile, or you are too young and were born after 2000.)  Back then, if you wanted to be cool, you had to have a scooter.  I did not have a scooter.  My sister had one, though, and sometimes she would let me ride it.

Now, scooters are back!  When you walk around more family-oriented areas of the city, or sometimes even the ghetto, you'll see them.  Oftentimes, kids will scooter right towards you at top speed like little heat-seeking missiles.  These children are very foolish and their actions could result in injuries to themselves or others.  Still, this has not deterred their parents from getting them scooters.

Sometimes older people will ride scooters.  Despite what you may think, these people are super cool.  You should aspire to be like these people as they've managed to stay ahead of the trend.
She looks so happy on her new, shiny scooter.  I bet she gets all the guys.

It is impressive that scooters were able to comeback after being not cool for so long.  Next year, I predict a huge comeback for POGS.


A few months ago, New Jersey Transit started trying out something called "quiet cars".  As you might've guessed (if you have an IQ of at least 85) you're not allowed to talk in the designated quiet cars on the train.

If you just touched your computer screen you are an idiot.

There are several problems with the quiet car idea.  Firstly, though it's usually cars at one end of the train that are quiet cars, the cars themselves are not labeled.  They look just like ordinary cars!  Sometimes, people sit down in a quiet car and start talking loudly.  Then, someone complains and a conductor comes over to explain that they're in a quiet car.  This whole exchange is annoying to me.

If I am not allowed to talk on the train, I will ride in the back of this van with this pervert.

Another problem is that people from New Jersey (and New York City) are generally loud and being quiet is very difficult for them.  Still, what happens if the NJ Transit quiet cars are somehow a success?  Will we get quiet cars on NYC subways?  I don't see any feasible way that would work because of all the crazy people that ride the subway.  Crazy people like to sing or talk to themselves.

When I'm not building snowmen, I like to sing on the subway for coins.

Also, the issue of the quiet car yet again brings about the famous question: Just how quiet is too quiet?  Typically when it's too quiet, something very bad or surprising is about to happen. 


Fans of the Food Pyramid got sad news a few days ago when the U.S. Department of Agriculture came out with MyPlate.  Unlike the Food Pyramid, which is arranged in a pyramid style, MyPlate is arranged in the shape of a plate.  USDA officials say that MyPlate it is easier for people to understand.  Clearly, they don't think very highly of Americans.

MyPlate stresses the importance of getting plenty of fruits and vegetables.  The government is trying to stop people from becoming too fat, but as long as McDonalds exists, this will not happen. 

If you do not eat these vegetables, they will eat you.

It cost the USDA around $2 million to come up with the MyPlate.  Money well spent to design something that looks like a fourth graders health class project.

There you have it folks!  Ride your scooter to NJ Transit, take a seat in a quiet car, and (quietly) bite into a crunchy celery stick!  You're the coolest guy (or girl) in town!