One thing that I’ve heard about the 2012 election is that
there really aren’t any good candidates out there that have a real chance of beating Barack Obama (even though so many people are unhappy with the job Obama
has done). I watched some of the
Republican Primary debates and thought that they were pretty entertaining
(mostly for comedic value). Since
I like pizza, I was rooting for Herman Cain (because he used to run Godfather’s
Pizza), but apparently he is some sort of sex fiend.
This man likes pizza...and sexually harassing women.
Ben Franklin once said, “In order to have a good country, it
is important to have a good president.”
(Fun Fact: Before ultimately going to Tisch and majoring in Dramatic Writing, I was going to be a history
major.)
I have come up with this list of people who should run for
president. Unfortunately, some of
these individuals are dead or fictional, so they couldn’t really be
presidential candidates. That is
why this list is just for fun and has not been published on CNN.com.
He didn't make the list.
TOP TEN PEOPLE WHO
SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT
10. REGIS
I do not know much about Regis, only that he is a little old
man who had his own talk show for one hundred years. Also, he was the host of Who
Wants to be a Millionaire. As
of December 15, 2011, Regis is still alive and I am sure he is not doing much,
besides being in advertisements for TD Bank with an anorexic-looking woman
named Kelly Ripa. If Regis ran for
president, housewives would finally have a candidate that they’d go out and
vote for.
Who Wants to Vote for Regis?!
9. BEN FRANKLIN
Many Americans actually think that Benjamin Franklin was once
president. (That is because
Americans do not value education.)
Even though he was never Commander in Chief, Benny Franklin has the
honor of being on the $100 bill, so people already associate him with something
that is good (money). Also working
in his favor: He was very smart and invented glasses and trapped lighting in a
bottle and discovered electricity.
Because of this, anyone who wears glasses or uses electricity would vote
for him.
It's all about the Benjamins!
8. EMINEM
Do you know what would make the debates one million-billion
times more entertaining? Rap
battles. Imagine if Eminem was up
there spitting rhymes and taking down Mitt Romney and Co. with some well
thought out raps. Believe it or not, Eminem also has some very interesting insights
into America today. Whether you
agree with him or not, you’ve got to admit that Slim calls it how he sees it.
President Shady
7. HARRISON FORD
I have seen the movie Air
Force One, in which Harrison Ford plays the president, and I am fairly
certain that if he really were the president, he would be exactly how he is in
the movie—100% badass. If you
haven’t seen the film, basically terrorists take over Air Force One, but
they’re messing with the wrong U.S. president (this isn’t Calvin Coolidge we’re
talking about)! Glenn Close plays
the vice president and she could be his V.P. in real life too.
"Get off my plane!"
6. ABRAHAM LINCOLN
No one knows how long Lincoln would’ve been president for if
he didn’t like going to the theatre.
Honest Abe is consistently ranked as one of the top U.S. presidents of
all time, so why not run again? Since he saved the
Union, he would obviously get a lot of votes. Also, he is honest, chopped down a cherry tree, and lived in
a log cabin.
"Vote Yourself a Farm" (Lincoln's actual campaign slogan)
5. MICKEY MOUSE
Every year, Mickey Mouse already gets roughly 25% of all
votes. (This is because many people
want to vote and then say that they voted for Mickey Mouse because they think
that doing this is funny.) But
what if Mickey Mouse was to run as an actual candidate? Mickey is obviously for big business
(since he owns Disney), but he is
loveable so liberals would also vote for him (sometimes he sort of scary
though).
Put a mouse in the White House!
4. RAY LEWIS
If you want to have a strong country, you’ve got to have a
strong leader. And no world leader
would be physically stronger than Baltimore Ravens’ linebacker Ray Lewis. #52 would be able to intimidate other
nations into doing whatever he wanted them to do with nothing more than one of his
scary glances. Ray Lewis is also a
fantastic motivator—he’d be able to bring together a country that’s become very
divided.
We will come together as a nation...or else.
3. ANGELINA JOLIE
America should stop being sexist and elect a female
president. But, if we’re going to
do that, we might as well elect a woman who’s very good looking (sorry Hillary
Clinton). Angelina Jolie would definitely
add some attractiveness to the presidential debates. In fact, many people (men and lesbians) would not even
listen to what she was saying (but that is fine because what candidates say
doesn’t really matter since once they’re elected they just do whatever they
want).
That acronym on her shirt means she's already involved in some sort of political thing.
2. PROFESSOR X
Scientists have proven that evolution is real and not a myth
created by liberal, religion-hating heathens. If we all evolved from monkeys, then it stands to reason
that we will soon evolve into something else. That something else will be mutants—people who have
different special powers. Many
Americans will be scared of mutants—who knows what they’ll do with their
amazing abilities? We need to
elect Professor X because he will greatly help the country with human-mutant
relations. Even though he is
a powerful mutant, Professor X is also very sympathetic to the human cause and
is not evil like Magneto.
Apparently he also has a cat.
1. ALEX TREBEK
To host a show like Jeopardy you’d have to be pretty smart.
(And even if you weren’t, you’d learn a lot of facts eventually.) Trebek is smooth and well-spoken, and if you’ve seen the show, then you know
that he is an expert at interacting with even the weirdest, most awkward people
in the country. Trebek just might
have all the answers to the questions the American people are asking.
This candidate for President of the United States was once a game show host.
Who is Alex Trebek?
Since Trebek is even older than he looks (he’s 71), he would
need a cool, young vice president.
For obvious reasons, I would be a perfect fit.
Trebek & Sperber in 2012 would be a winning ticket.
So waste your vote on Alex Trebek and me in the next presidential election. You probably won't regret it.
