Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Top 10 Fictional Characters You Love That You Would Actually Hate

It may come as a shock to most of you, but many of the characters from your favorite TV shows or movies are fictional. (That means not real.)

Unless you live in a cave and are a feral person (and how would you have Internet access if that were the case), you know these popular characters. Some of them, almost all of them actually, were originally found in works of literature, but let’s face it, none of you read books anymore. (Well, almost none of you; I’m looking at you, bookworm!)

So without further ado, here they are, ten characters you love on the big screen (or small screen) that would annoy the dickens out of you if they were real.

10. Tony Stark (Iron Man)

A super-intelligent jerk with a super suit that gets all of the girls and thinks he’s the best human who ever lived—yeah, that sounds like someone I’d want to be friends with. NOT!

Tony Stark is a self-centered, arrogant know-it-all. He never shuts up and loves to brag. Plus, he’s not reliable and he’s a drunk. Sure, he might save the world on occasion, but you definitely wouldn’t like the guy.

9. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (All four of them)

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles might be “awesome” on TV, but think of how incredibly obnoxious they’d be in reality.

Michelangelo is basically a stoner. He’s the guy who comes to your house and eats all your food. (“Cowabunga, what’s the big deal?”) Raphael is a jerk—remember the song, he’s “cool, but crude”. Donatello is a big nerd and a showoff. Leonardo might be the only one of the four who’s alright, but as the leader of the group, he’s somewhat pompous. Plus, they’re giant turtles. Giant turtles would terrify you. (Also, why do they wear masks? Do they really think they’re concealing their identities?)

8. Kramer

Kramer is the kind of person who would be funny once in a while, but 90% of the time you wouldn’t be able to stand the guy. Kramer barges in unannounced and acts in a generally ridiculous manner. He’s funny in the Seinfeld universe and the other characters on the show typically don’t mind how he acts, but in the real world, oddball Cosmo Kramer wouldn’t have too many friends.

7. Gollum

Who doesn’t love saying “my precious” in a Gollum voice? I know I sure love doing my Gollum impression. (I also do an excellent Christopher Walken, Rain Man, and Bill the Butcher from Gangs of New York.)

Gollum might be great on the big screen (and in the LOTR books) because he’s amusing and sort of funny, but can you imagine actually trying to deal with the little freak? You’d probably react the same way towards him that Sam does. Also, Gollum would try to steal your jewelry.

6. Captain Kirk

Kirk is a hotshot, conceited, self-centered, attention-seeking captain—sounds like a great guy. (Sarcasm.) 

Captain Kirk going against orders to do what he thinks is right might be entertaining, but when it’s my life on the line, I don’t want some crazed man-whore taking dumb chances that are going to get me killed. I’d probably be a redshirt after all.

5. Dwight Schrute

Dwight is typically a hilarious character (at least on the first few seasons of The Office before it went downhill). One time on the show, Dwight lies to Michael and tells him he was at the dentist. When Michael asks him what his dentist’s name is, Dwight replies: “Crentist”. When Michael says that his name sounds a lot like dentist, Dwight replies, “Maybe that’s why he became a dentist”.

As an outsider looking in, it’s hard not to love Dwight, but in the real world, when he’s knocking things off your desk since they overlap onto his space, he wouldn’t be quite as funny.

4. Katniss Everdeen

Katniss is a good, strong female role model for girls everywhere in theory, but if she were real, I don’t think too many ladies would be fans. First off, she is way to pretty for a poor girl from District 12. Also, she is a showoff. This might help her get sponsors in the games, but in the real world it wouldn’t be such a positive characteristic.

As for all you male readers, consider how Katniss used Peeta and messed with his head during their first Hunger Games. Just because you don’t care about Peeta since he is annoying (and named after a type of bread… and he’s a baker… hey, I get it!), imagine if she used you the same way. Katniss is the ultimate tease. Plus, after she breaks your heart, she’ll probably kill you. 

3. Walter White

Who doesn’t love a good villain? Just like Tony Soprano before him, Walter White exemplifies an antihero that many fans loved to root for despite his evil-doings.

In reality though, "Walt" is a heartless criminal mastermind. He’s willing to kill at the drop of a (funny) hat. You would fear Heisenberg if he weren’t fictitious, not like him.

2. Sherlock Holmes (BBC Sherlock version)

I don’t watch the current American Sherlock Holmes series because if I’m going to watch television, I prefer watching good television (and there’s no better show right now than Sherlock.) There’s also no better character on TV right now than Benedict Cumberbatch’s fast-talking, master of deduction, Sherlock Holmes. He is equally amusing, knowledgeable, and witty.

However, Sherlock’s pompousness and lack of compassion would make him incredibly difficult to deal with if he were a part of your everyday life. You wouldn’t be able to get a word in before Sherlock rattles off a bunch of information he’s already figured out about you. He might be fun at parties, but after a while you’d want to punch him in the face.

1. Harry Potter

Harry Potter is just about as annoying as humanly possible (or wizardly possible). He somehow manages to be a goody two-shoes, sucking up to Dumbledore and that massive oaf Hagrid, and a “rebel”, sneaking around with his invisibility cloak. Both sides of Harry are equally obnoxious. Potter also plays the role of the hero while keeping up the “who me?” attitude.

“I’m the best qudditch player ever. I won the Triwizard Tournament. I saved the world and defeated Voldemort. Gee wiz, I can’t believe it. And to think I grew up in a closet. Let me pat myself on the back.”