Sunday, April 1, 2012

The 10 People I'm Having Over For Dinner

Oh, hello there.  I am having an amazing dinner party and you're invited.  You're invitation is in the mail (I am very old-fashioned and don't believe in e-mail).  What's great about this dinner party is that it is a magical dinner party.  You see, I was able to invite anyone, fictional or nonfictional, living or dead.  In addition to you and I, I was allowed to invite ten others (I cheated and there are actually a few more than ten other guests).  Everyone else has already RSVP'd (they'll all be attending).  I hope you can make it!


1. Wolverine
We want the dinner party to be cool, don't we?  (We do.)  Well, no one is cooler than Wolverine.  He probably won't talk too much, but that's fine; when he does talk, everyone will listen.  We will have a special smoking corner for Wolverine for when he wants to have a cigar (since we don't want everyone else to get black lungs).

He needs a fork and a spoon, but not a knife.

2. Jesus & Moses
I felt sort of obligated to invite these two.  Jesus can bring the wine and Moses can bring some matzoh.

"Let's go to Jeffrey's dinner, Jesus."- Moses

3. Martha Washington
If you want to get all the real gossip on a man, talk to his wife.  George Washington, psssshhhh, let's have Martha come!

Martha Washington... or is this Ben Franklin?

4. Harry Potter
Harry Potter is invited under the condition that he doesn't talk too much or get annoying.  (He is also definitely not allowed to bring Ron.)  It was crucial that we have at least one non-Muggle at the dinner.

"Book Harry Potter," not "Movie Harry Potter," is invited.

5. The Ninja Turtles (minus Michelangelo)
The Ninja Turtles are awesome!  Looks like we're going to have pizza at this party (with no anchovies).  Michelangelo is not invited because he is obnoxious and will get drunk off of Jesus' wine.

Not the turtle on the left.

6. Mila Kunis
I realized that there aren't enough hot people coming to the party.  Mila Kunis is hot and she seems pretty nice and down-to-earth.

I have not yet mastered the sexy head tilt.

7. Jane Goodall
My favorite animal is the capuchin monkey and no one knows primates better than Jane Goodall.  (She is not allowed to bring monkeys to the dinner though because Martha Washington would be scared of them.)  Also, we need a kindly old woman to bake cookies for the party.

No plus ones, Goodall!

8. Houdini
Someone is going to have to provide entertainment for the dinner and who's more entertaining than history's greatest magician?  (The question is rhetorical, do not try to think up an answer.)

Of course the star of The Master Mystery is invited!

9. Rex Ryan
Rex Ryan has a true appreciation for food and is the coach of my favorite sports team, the New York Jets.  He is jolly and good-natured and will make sure there are no leftovers.

Rex was happy when he heard there would be mozzarella sticks.

10. Taylor Swift
I'm not a country music fan, but I have one of those unexplainable crushes on Taylor Swift.

If we are lucky, Taylor will sing "Love Story" after we eat.

I also thought up a special non-guest list.  While only those listed above are allowed to attend (no one else!), these individuals are especially not allowed to come to the dinner party.


1. Lady Gaga
She'd ruin the dinner by showing up dressed as a giant poop.

She would try to top her meat dress.

2. Magneto
Magneto would try to enslave half the guests.  Party foul!

I should've gotten plastic utensils!

3. Regis
The last thing a dinner party needs is boring, drawn-out stories from an old man.

"I remember when Frank Sinatra and I..."

4. Patrick from Sponge Bob
Patrick means well, but he would end up turning the dinner into a huge disaster.  Actually, all the characters from Sponge Bob are banned.


5. Hannibal Lecter
This one is for obvious reasons.  Though he is polite and well-spoken, he would try to eat us.

Don't worry, there's no way he can escape.

6. Robin
Batman is cool, why does he need a wimpy side-kick?  The answer is that he doesn't.

Robin is about to open up a can of whoop-ass.

7. Willy Wonka
Willy Wonka will poison everyone.  Also, he is the most annoying character ever.

Stay out of my party, Satan.

8. Attila the Hun
I do not want everyone at the dinner party to be viciously murdered.

Workin' the "Jafar from Aladdin goatee."  Nice.

9. Tony Romo
Tony will be the life of the party until he somehow manages to ruin the whole event in the last half hour.

Time for a good cry.

10. Winnie the Pooh
Pooh is a nice bear, but could he be anymore boring?  Also, there will be no honey served at the dinner and Pooh would be very upset.

Stop hogging all the honey.

So, clear you're calendar, special guest!  This dinner party is going to be a blast!

Looks like you and I are going to man the bar!  Also, your head is massive.