This year, NFL players were given the opportunity to rank the best players currently in the game. While some analysts had a panic attack because of the lack of criteria (“Are we talking about a player’s whole career, or are we just looking at last season?”), I really didn’t mind. It’s basically if someone came up to you on the street and said, “Jeffrey, who is the best player in the NFL?” (Except the person would call you by your own name, unless your name also happens to be Jeffrey.) Overall, the players did an okay job, but at times, they showed that they’re lucky to be big and strong and fast (because they are dumb).
Here are the players' Top 10:
- Tom Brady
- Peyton Manning
- Adrian Peterson
- Ray Lewis
- Ed Reed
- Troy Polamalu
- Andre Johnson
- Darrelle Revis
- Drew Brees
- Julius Peppers
I decided to hand out some JEFFREY AWARDS to the players in the Top 10. Jeffrey Awards are seemingly random and arbitrary awards that I can give out to whoever I want, whenever I want.
JEFFREY AWARDS FOR FOOTBALL LOOK LIKE THIS:
BEST MOTIVATOR: RAY LEWIS
Guys like Troy Polamalu and Darrelle Revis let their play do the talking. Ray Lewis yells and stomps his feet a lot.
BEST LOOKING: RAY LEWIS
A few years ago, Tom Brady might’ve won this one, but now he’s got that long, greasy hair. Peyton Manning is a goober and Andre Johnson has a face only a mother could love. Ray cares about how he looks and sports a neatly trimmed goatee. The man also looks dashing in a suit.
WORST COMMERCIALS: RAY LEWIS
I thought it would be impossible for anyone to beat out Peyton Manning, but Ray’s Old Spice commercials are so cringe-worthy and not funny, you have to change the channel.
BEST SMILE: RAY LEWIS
I know this ties into best looking, but look at that charming smile. Also, Ray owns a desk.
MOST LIKELY TO END UP IN PRISON: RAY LEWIS
He just barely got out of it last time.
CRAZIEST: RAY LEWIS
And not crazy in the Chad Ochocinco-way. Crazy, as in, he is completely mentally deranged.
MOST LIKELY TO KILL YOU: RAY LEWIS
If Ray Lewis was standing in front of me and asked me where I'd rank him in the NFL’s Top 100 Players, I would say in the low 50s. Then, he would kill me.
Ray, you can come pick up these awards at your earliest convenience. And congratulations for winning a record SEVEN JEFFREYS, which is seven more than anyone else has ever won!