Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Dogs Shouldn't Wear Diapers

10 Reasons You Shouldn't Get a Dog:

They smell
They bite people
They bark
They lick your face
They jump on you
They have too much energy
They chew your sneakers
They poop in your house
You have to make sure you're home to feed them
Vet visits cost lost of money

Lassie was notorious for biting children on the set.

Wow!  Dogs sound awful!
NOTE: The above reasons are, of course, dog stereotypes.  They don't hold true for all dogs.  It's the same with stereotypes for different groups of people-- some white people can actually dance and not all Asian people really do like Math.

Point made.

Despite all the negative things we associate with dogs, Americans still love them.  According to The Humane Society, 39% of U.S. households own at least one dog.  Only around 20% of Americans have a passport.

Very few Americans have been here.

All Americans have been here.

So why do people get dogs if there are so many things wrong with them?

Good question, italic font!  People get dogs for lots of reasons, often to serve as a pet and provide companionship.  Other times, people get them to be watchdogs, or to work in the fields.  People also like dogs because they are like us, each with their own faults and merits.  But, dogs are not people and sometimes people get confused about this.

This is a dog.

This is a human.

In the wild, dogs do not wear clothes.  They are not smart enough to make clothes and, even if they could make clothes, they probably wouldn't be able to put them on.  Humans dress up their dogs because they think it's cute.  

"Look at Rusty, he looks just like a little person."  
He does not.  He looks like a dog in a bathrobe.

People who dress up their dogs often claim that without the clothes, the dog would be cold.  This may be the case in rare, extreme instances (like if you live in Antarctica), but in many cases, it's just nonsense.  If seals can survive in the wild, then so can your dog.

You can't have a good blog post without a picture of a baby seal.

In truth, I have no problem with people dressing up their dogs in human clothes.  Sometimes it is cute.  Sometimes it is funny.  I like when dogs look like this:

You can tell he loves wearing clothes.

What I have a problem with is this:

Because dogs shouldn't wear diapers.

Incontinence.  Females In Heat.  Excitable Urination.  Travel.  I am very sorry if you have to deal with one of these problems, but you cannot put your dog in a diaper.  I forbid you.  It is ridiculous.  Leashes are for dogs.  Treats are for dogs.  Tennis balls are for dogs (and tennis players).  Diapers are for babies.

Because one Baby Genius movie wasn't enough.

The best thing about Simple Solution Diapers is that satisfaction is guaranteed.  If you bought this product, I do not see how it would fail to meet your expectations.  After all, it has "gathered edges and repositionable tabs," to make sure that the poop-filled diaper does not fall off your dog.

Look how happy this cocker spaniel looks.

According to WebMD, 63% of Americans are overweight or obese.  (I'm just full of fun statistics today!)  This product allows people to become more obese because instead of having to walk your dog, you can watch TV while the dog goes to the bathroom in a diaper across the room.  So many bad things are happening because of the dog diapers in this scenario!

Jonah Hill needs to stop using dog diapers and take his dog for a walk.  Kanye West needs to stop hanging out with Jonah Hill.

I saw this product at PETCO while shopping with my girlfriend (sorry, ladies) and her dog.  I am very curious why PETCO has stocked up on so many of them.  Where is this hidden pack of dogs running around in diapers?

I am also curious why the PETCO in Manhattan sells these: 

I do not understand why a person living in New York City would ever use a pooper-scooper.  Is someone really going to walk around the city with this Claw Scooper because they don't want to bend down if their dog relieves him or herself?  After being in NYC for five years, I have never seen someone use a pooper-scooper to clean up after their dog.  These products only make sense if you live on a dog farm and have to pick up copious amounts of feces (and don't want to keep bending down), or if you have severe back problems.

This man might use a Claw Scooper.

This article has undoubtedly encouraged you to get a dog.  Here are the Top 3 Dog Breeds that you should consider:

3. St. Bernard
No, not that Saint Bernard…

That St. Bernard!

The St. Bernard is great because it is big (on average around 160 lbs.) and slobbery.  Also, the famous dog, Beethoven (the dog one) is a St. Bernard. 

2. Teacup Yorkie

Sometimes I wish I had a dog that was more like a small puppet.  Luckily for me, a dog like that does exist.  You see, if you breed a runt from one litter with a runt from another litter, the resulting puppies will be smaller.  Then you take the runt from that litter and repeat the process.  In the end, you get itty bitty dogs that aren't really like dogs at all!


1. Pit Bull

Do you want to be cool?  Do you want to be tough?  Do you want a dog that'll attack an innocent stranger for no reason?  Then, this dog is great for you!  You can also pull a Michael Vick and use your pit bull to get some extra cash!

Look, he's smiling at you.

So, head over to the nearest pound, pick a pit bull (trust me, the pound has plenty to choose from), put a diaper on the dog, then turn on the TV and eat a fattening snack.  No need to get up and walk your dog; just try to ignore the smell.

*You're welcome, Simple Solution Diapers for giving you free publicity!