Friday, April 8, 2011

NEWS ALERT: Government Shutting Down, New Yorkers Want Their Kids to Stay Fat, Apocalypse Looming

If you are like me and do not care much about politics then you probably don't realize that the federal government is just hours away from closing its doors.  "Why is this happening?", you ask.  Well, I will tell you in a way that you can understand.  It is basically the same thing that's going on with the NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement except instead of players vs. coaches, it's Democrats vs. Republicans.  However, it is far less important.

Since I do not like to be completely ignorant, I decided to investigate what would happen if the government were to just shut down.  Here's the three main things that I learned: 

* National Parks will be closed.
This goat lives in a national park.  You won't be allowed to see him.

*Government workers  shouldn't be too worried because when everything is resolved they'll get cash back despite having not worked after the whole mess is resolved. (BBC told me this, I am not making it up.) 

*A man who plays a funny drum and harasses people in line for the ferry to go to Liberty Island will have no way to make money since it'll be closed.  CBS News introduced us to this man so that we can see how an average American will be affected.

Looks like I will have to cancel my plans for a tour of our country's greatest national parks.

Instead of going to national parks, I will sit in this chair.

(***UPDATE: Almost immediately after posting this, the government reached an agreement to avoid a shutdown at midnight.  It looks like important members of Congress do read this blog!  I can go visit all those national parks after all!)


In other news, New Yorkers want their kids to stay fat.  Morbidly obese Queens City Councilman Leroy Comrie has proposed a bill that would prevent McDonalds from including toys in Happy Meals that don't meet certain (reasonable) health requirements.  Judging from the uproar from the fine writers at The New York Post, you'd think the councilman had done something really, really bad.  Like murder.

Councilman Comrie has a great personality.

People need to realize that the Councilman Comrie isn't against toys and fun, he just doesn't want kids to grow up and be fat and unhealthy.  We are clearly heading down the path of turning the movie Wall-E into a reality.  The councilman is just trying to save us.



All of this general awfulness leads me to believe that the apocalypse is coming.  Maybe it will be the zombie fungus that gets us.  (I have expressed my fears about such a zombie problem in the past.)  Or maybe general anarchy will ensue if people do not get to visit National Parks, or people will become fat and robots will take over, or an asteroid will hit the planet.  I do not know for sure.  

Hopefully, this brave group of oil drillers will be able to stop the asteroid.